he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
