I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
