I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
