I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Do you still have your period?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
