wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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