Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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