i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
