Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
