we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She told me I should be a condom model.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
