his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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