the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
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why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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