Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
