I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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