just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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