I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
