Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
