i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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