Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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