I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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