Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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