I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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