I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
