I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
