you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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