yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
