the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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