Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize