The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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