i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
