I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
