So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
