kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
