i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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