I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
