ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
