I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
