she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
