I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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