thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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