She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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