Im at strip club and am horny
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
