I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Green mimosas i think yes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
