Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
