You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My liver is preforming stress tests.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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