I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
