youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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