So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
