omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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