I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
