If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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