My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
my liver is dry heaving
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
