is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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