mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
