My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
